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Sports Bar Jackasses
There’s one in every crowd. Sometimes there’s a whole bunch of mules that no matter how much you drink, you can’t drown those goons. They do things like they own the sports bar. Yelling at the big screen, stomping on the floor when they don’t like a call, shouting play-by-plays at their iPhones and generally being jerks.
These are the villains from the “Sports Bar Superheroes, Issue 6” comic book series.
Rules of the game
Are you the asshole we’re talking about? Let’s go to the playbook and lay down some rules to keep you from becoming a sinkhole when visiting the shrine known as the Sports Bar.
• Rule 1: Jackassery puts things in place.
Having your barber shaving your team logo off your head does not demonstrate player loyalty. It just means you live in a classless cage. The same goes for painting your face. Save that for the stadium when there’s a good chance a teevee camera will flash your dopey mug on the planet. Keep your guns at home – you’ll gouge your eye out. Obscenities. Wrong. Children could be there with their parents. Mom and dad are more likely to spill their drink in your general direction if they hear you using the biblical term for “fudge.”
• Rule 2: Celebrate in style.
Too many high-fives and chest bumps are for sissies. That’s not to say you can’t go a little crazy when your team wins. But loud “hoo-has” every minute or so are more likely to get you nudged in the stomach by someone bigger than you who’s had enough of your shit. And “raising the roof” is so 90s.
• Rule 3: Never use ESPN as a source of quotes.
Here are some of the network’s worst quotes:
o “He tried to put on 25 pounds of muscle. Sounds like Molson’s 25 pounds.” — Pat Quinn, on hockey player Dan Gratton
o “You know the old saying, ‘no man is an island.’ Well, Stanley is getting closer.” — Pat Williams, on Magic center Stanley Roberts
Avoid anything that comes from the mouth of an ESPN commentator. Even silly nicknames that popped up before they hooked up their first camera – like “Charlie Hustle”, “The Great One” or “Sweetness”. Never name a child Chris Berman.
• Rule 4: Only losers clap alone.
In fact, sitting in the bleachers, go for it. Congratulations to all by your little loner. But in a sports bar… man, you got no pride?
• Rule 5: Swimsuits – not the state, the clothing.
Why in the name of God would you wear a jersey with someone else’s name and number on it? Upgrade to something more sophisticated. Get a team jersey. Nothing wrong with putting one on. Wearing a Peyton Manning Colts jersey is fun and the jokes on you.
• Rule 6: The referee can’t hear you, so stop talking loudly.
Best Practice: Set a limit on your teasing. Four times per game is enough. Also try directing it to your friends in a civil voice. This way you can determine who really are defenders and not opponents. Big no-no: Too many groans for the last two minutes of the game means you have to order a milk and fire the beer.
• Rule 7: Keep your fantastic team members out of the conversation.
We do not know them; they’re not at the sports bar with you and basically who cares about your funky dream world. Likewise, no one is going to buy you a plate of wings because you just lost your BMW to your bookmaker.
• Rule 8: Eat, drink and beware of excess.
At the sports bar, you’re surrounded by people who like what you like, no matter what team you support. Grab a plate of grilled rib eye, ice cold beer, and don’t turn into Doctor Doom from the Fantastic Four comics. Even though DD saved Captain America from drowning. No Doom for you.
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